Soul-searching

I have a confession to make. I’m guilty--of not doing the things a normal Christian should be doing. I’m missing the point and not going on the right track. This nudged me into a serious soul-searching (one thing I should have done during the Lenten season). And so I thought I need some serious heart change…and fix my self. Really.

As I was on that state, I found out that I’m really fallible. I’m messing up in my personal, social and spiritual life. And that isn’t pretty. Lately, I’ve soaked into procrastination (again) and the effect isn’t good as well. What's more, several thoughts flood into my stream of consciousness. 1) The thought of Jerry’s working abroad, 2) my work 3) my ministry (which I know I am not doing really good so far) 4) my family (and how to manage it) 5) our being a couple yet attend two different churches 6) my social life, and 7) my personal relationship with God. I’m juggling these things, and making my self always in control and I’m beginning to give up. I know that if I will be rated on this aspects from 1-10 (being 10 as the highest), I would start covering my face to shame. I failed (somehow, in some ways). I’ve been bad (not the real meaning of it). Delinquent. Idle. Pessimistic. Sloppy. Hasty. Cynical. Easily-Angered. Irritated. Characters which I should’ve not embraced in the first place. I am struggling to be a people-pleaser and in making my self look good or better. But my struggles resulted futile. I kept on complaining, but neither doing. I kept on hoping but not really praying. I kept my self busy when I should have to pause and reflect. And urged my self to become busy when I feel I’m wasting my time in nothing. I don’t even have time to talk to Him (because I. am. busy.) when He should be the FIRST on my schedule everyday. That’s pathetic.

This things, somehow, sometimes, takes my joy away. I know this is not healthy. I know this is not good. I know this is not Biblical. And this is not good when I should have my joy in Christ. It’s hard when you are not on the mood to smile. If you were loomed by a reprimand (again) first hours of the morning (it happend today). And what did I do? I sulked. I frowned…and felt bad. And I felt bitter. And that made my whole day and my whole environment gloomy as well. Inadvertently, I was reminded by Jon Walker to be a dispenser of JOY. I was stabbed. I felt guilty. Here I am calling my self a Christian and yet losing my joy...

This is what I found out and what resulted my soul-sourching. It is really refreshing to take a pause sometimes from our busy world and reflect. Well, it's true, despite my very less-than-perfect discipline, I’m deeply committed to pursuing a deep relationship with God. And this is simply a reminder to myself that I’m not perfect. I'm fallible. Sinful. And in total need of the Father’s grace and forgiveness. I'm still on the process of refining. But thank God for His love, His grace, His comfort, His forgiveness and most amazingly, His redemption. I'm now re-surrendering my life...Oh God, I’m so sorry, here I am, once again, please refine me.